Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Delirious Instinct's LiveJournal:

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Friday, September 21st, 2001
1:16 pm	somebody's going to get shot in the fucking forehead I'm waiting to find out who posted that damn anonmous comment because obviously SOMEBODY knows stuff about me and decided to share it with the world. Whether or not it's true, either way noone has a right to say things like that. If it were true, it's nobody else's business. If it weren't true, nobody has a right to make it sound like it is. I'm getting sick of LJ. I want to delete my journal. Or at least make it private for only like two people to read it. FUCK LJ!!! FUCK LJ!!!!!!!! (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 16th, 2001
4:30 pm	Fuck you all So... I haven't been on for a while. Its hard to believe that I actually have a life, huh. Hmmm. I really like the people I am hanging out with now. Margot and I finally get to spend time together, and ya know what? I don't give a shit if other people don't like it. Ahem. Because they don't KNOW her! Maybe I don't like some of the people who are in "the group". I don't talk about other people in a negative way. I have class. I am getting sick of live journal, because all it does is cause fights and problems... But then again...yay for it. I've had fun this weekend. Got high. Five times. Hung out with Carls, hung out with Shane, got kicked out of school...it was all..good. Don't I sound just so kewl? I am finally like a big kid now! Bravo, me. Yay me. I am so happy now. And you better not fucking hate me for it either! I don't know what is going on with Damon. I don't see him much, because our schedules are constantly conflicting. And he's got a few ..more mature..should I say...friends. I think we are drifting apart. I think everyone's just drifting apart... I am trying to enjoy my life, even with school. So I hang out with my school friends. I am finally comfortable with myself and the particular friends I hang out with. And no one's going to change that. No one even has a reason to hate these people (this person) that I hang out with. Its not fair for them to tell her that she is their friend, when apparently she's nothing. I'm sure people are getting sick of me, but really, they're just upset because their friends are drifting apart from them. We are all getting older, including myself as I had said. We are finding ourselves and who we really need. Good luck to ya all. (30 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, August 31st, 2001
7:58 pm	let me state this fact: I have very little time to say this but let me say that 1. I AM NOT BREAKING UP WITH DAMON. 2. I have been SO busy and I'm constantly worried that he'll break up with me. 3. I have ballet, piano, dance, school, baby-sitting, dog-sitting, house cleaning, dad visiting, helping my neighbor who has MS, painting lessons, work, my dad's shop, etc. AND so I can't always be reliable to do something. ANY spare time I have is GOING TO BE SPENT WITH DAMON. 4. i love him and I hope he knows. It takes more than a busy schedule to pull me away from him. he means too fucking much to me. 5. I AM NOT A BITCH. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 21st, 2001
3:53 pm	I need to emphasize a certain fact... Warning: This entry is about Damon. So stop reading it NOW if you are going to moan and groan adn complain about it. Damon IS the absolut ideal friend/boyfriend/companion/buddy/pal/listener/or whatever else you could possibly use to describe him. He is the reason I keep my head up no matter how many things I have on my mind. I smile for him and his beautiful way of calming me when I'm upset. That happens a lot, and I'm SO grateful he doesn't get sick of "dealing" with me and my emotions. I just hope he will tell me if he gets sick of it or is frustrated about anything. Yesterday I cried on him everytime he hugged me becasue it feels so good to be able to hold somebody that just gives off angel-like vibes. I mean angel as in he makes me feel like I'm floating or I'm in heaven. I would give anything to be with him forever. At least I hope we're friends forever. ANd if we ever do break up, I want to be able to consider him one of my closest friends. He is the kind of person you only meet once in your life and I am absolutly so lucky to have met him when I did because he helped me through one of the toughest times of my life. Thank you Damon. I love you so much it hurts. (9 Comments |Comment on this)
3:40 pm	if you're listening..... Sorry I have been so bitchy lately. I didn't realize I sounded like a Damon-stalker. I, woah, I don't know. I saw Misty at work today. Odd. My legs hurt. I hate waiting on people. There's always something to complain about with some people. yesterday was me and damon's "3 month thingy". FUN FUN FUN. Damon is such a great guy. he gave me 4 CD's and they are all ones I've been saving up for. I got Tight, The-O mix, Corporate Avenger, and JIMMY EAT WORLD. I love that band. I haven't stopped playing it. It brings out emotions, you know? MMM, MMM, MMM. I hope everybody's had a good summer. (Stange spontaneous remark on my part) I got 5 tickets to a Jammers game on Thursday. I want to go because I've never gone to one before. I don't know who to take.....hmmmmm, well there's always a couple midgets that I could smuggle in . Or maybe they can come in with a 2 for 1 deal. 2 midgets per ticket. What am I talking about? I might as well be chewing cud.... Current Mood: itchy Current Music: sweetness-jimmy eat world (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 15th, 2001
4:55 pm	77 once upon a time...read below fuck yourself. (Comment on this)
4:37 pm	words in GIANT print add oomph to what I'm trying to say. Where has everyone been today? People aren't answering the phones. I called damon, adam, braedan, and colleen, but noone's home. Oh,well. SO WHAT CONCERT DID Y'ALL GO TO? everytime I ask someone they ignore me. Am I not supposed to know about the whole thing in the first place? Who went? Was it fun? Did it even happen? I feel like a loser... Well, well, well...everyone's busy anymore. I went to the hospital today for an interview and I'm going to be volunteering there doing all these different things. Because I'm cool and I have an exciting life. At least I'll have air conditioning and I can sport a fashionable gauze pad ensemble-THANK YOU! Adam, I need to get my keyboard back. I've been trying to get a hold of you but I can't seem to...I have another "concert" coming up with the TRADESMEN and I need my keyboard. Because, as I said before, I'm so cool. I play piano in a CHRISTIAN band. What about that? HAHAHAHAHA heh All you guys probably went to Buffalo to see the TRADESMEN becasue you know how awesome they are but y'all were too embarrassed to tell me. Noone tells me anything because I'm a little kid and I can't do things because I'm a baby and when I finally can do something someday (when I'm big and all grown-up like everyone else) I will still be young and immature. oh well, it's something I have to live with everyday. I even made a chain of rings counting down to the day I turn 18. Becasue I'm pathetic when it comes to that kind of thing. I get sick of not being involved with things because poeple think I'm innocent because I don't stay out every night or drink or do drugs or sleep around and be a "rebellious punk". Maybe someday I will be all that and more and I'll be living on the streets with no man but 13 kids running around doing crack,-BUT HEY I COULD STILL DRINK EVERYONE ELSE UNDER THE TABLE!!!!! I'm not upset about the concert if that's what y'all think, I'm bitter about things that have happened before and are happening again. I should go now before I blow a blood vessel in my brain. Now I'm finished. THE END. Current Mood: pissed off (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 14th, 2001
7:53 pm	i think i have a hernia...... what is wrong with you? why do you lie to my face, while rubbing in that you have fun all the time? it makes me feel like shit. i feel like a loser when you do that. and the sad thing is you don't even know you're doing it....... how pathetic you are (Comment on this)
7:53 pm	hi Current Mood: irritated Current Music: thump.......thump.........thumpthump.......... (Comment on this)
7:49 pm	is that all there is I had a great day yesterday. I saw Damon, I went to a place I hadn't been to since I was like 6 or 7, I met Terry (she is highly humorous and cool), and I had a whole watermelon to myself. I haven't finished it yet. Today was rather boring though. Tomorrow I have an interview at the hospital to be a candystriper/volunteer/working bitch person and I hope it all works out fine. I am irritated at some people, and y'all probably don't know who you are. I won't mention any names at this time in fear of getting into another LJ showdown. If I don't get over it or work out my issues with these/this person face to face, I don't know what will happen. Oh, well. Noone needs to be frightened. I'm not that scary I don't think. I can't wait until school starts again. because I will be basically FORCED to get out of myself for at least 8 hours a day, unlike now I'm basically forced to stay IN the for at least 8 hours a day. It really eats away at my mind and I get trapped with myself and my thoughts and I go crazy. Just ask ANYONE who's seen me in the past 2 weeks. But I'm finally doing things with my time now. FINALLY. It's more exhausting waiting to do something, then it is to actually do it. I swear....... BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH What time is it? I have to go look something up in a BOOK. Yes, I do read collections of words on rare occasions. I am very surprised as well.... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, August 12th, 2001
6:35 pm	oh my oh my oh my oh MY I miss damon i miss damon i miss damon i miss damon i miss damon i miss damon i miss damon i miss damon i miss damon i miss damon i miss damon i miss damon i miss damon i miss damon i miss damon If you read this Damon, I MISS YOU SO FUCKING MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway, the issues are basically over. If I actually do see you tomorrow, I'll give more details. I am becoming (if I'm already not) very predictable. The first and only thing me and Damon ever talk about is my stupid problems. I always make conversations (what few that we have) very depressing and dry, and I feel so wierd like I've put him in a strange position. He's a great person to talk to about things, but I think I take advantage of that. A LOT. Sorry Damon. I miss you though anyway. Hopefully I'll see you tomorrow...bye for now. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, August 3rd, 2001
8:24 pm	who needs sleep? I just came back from visiting Damon at work. Talk about being an ass. Lucky me, though, I just happened to walk in on a busy time for him and I felt so stupid. I wanted to either die or run away. I hope he's not mad or anything. Oh, dear, I need a spanking. Yep yep yep. I have nothing to say. Absolutely nothing ever happens any more. I have so much stuff on my mind, but it's so private I don't even want God to know about it. (if there is a god that is) I'm sorry folks, I hate to dissapoint y'all. Do you REALIZE how much it hurts to deny you from access to MY mind? Do you know how much it hurts? No, no,no you could never know this kind of pain. The kind that makes Satan himself cower. Okay, I will tell you this. Today I was picking a bouquet for my room, and this hornet came and stung me in the ass 3 fucking times!!!!! It hurt like hell and I have to feel the sting every time I walk or sit down. But I have such a love for nature, I'm not even mad about it. ? how wierd is that?????? ALright, fuck this. I have nothing to say. Steph, check your e-mail ASAP. Damn it!!!! (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, August 2nd, 2001
2:00 pm	no butter for me........whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Okay, here's what is on my mind: I am such a nervous wreck that I think I need a full body massage. And I would like a wallabe to do so. I'm nervous for a whole ton of reasons. Like, Saturday is this wedding thingy and I HAVE to videotape the WHOLE entire thing. I love working with cameras, but these people are making the biggest deal out of it and they have specific things they want me to zoom in on and I'm so fucking scared of messing up because I'm the only person recording the damn wedding. AND I HAVE TO WEAR A NICE DRESS!!!!! Now come on, I hate wearing dressy things. Oh well. THEN on Sunday I'm playing this tricky song on the piano for this band in Frewsburg. I'm playing it at a church, too of all places. And I've only had 5 days to practice it. godgodgodgodgodgodgodgodgodgoddamn. And the worst thing of all is that I can't go to the Warped Tour. I wanted to SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bad, I would've had the funnest time in the world. I just hope that everyone who does go has a fun time and I want to hear all about it. I was even aloud to go, my mom was going to pay for me and she even offered to take me up and people who didn't have a ride up, but something came up and I can't go. I miss Damon. It's going to be what seems like forever before i can see him, or even talk to him. I e-mail him, but it's pointless for certain reasons. Nevermind..... Stephanie, you had better come up and you ARE going to stay more than one night. My mom said so. She'll take you home if she has to, it's just not fair for you or us to come all that way and then leave in less than 24 hours. I need to see you longer than 1 one day and night. Has anyone ever heard of Basquait? He's a god in the art world. I love his work so much. If I could paint like anybody, I would want to do it like him. I mean the guy was real good friends with Mick Jagger and Andy Warhol. ANDY WARHOL!!!!!!!!!!!!! He's my hero.... (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 1st, 2001
10:57 pm	hmmmm...okay..............alright..................that'll do..........................your ribcage IS rather solidified...................... (Comment on this)
10:57 pm	hmmmm...okay..............alright..................that'll do..........................your ribcage IS rather solidified...................... (Comment on this)
10:55 pm	grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr(pause for breath)grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I HATE WRITER'S BLOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Comment on this)
10:54 pm	what is wrong with LJ???? Everytime I try to get on LJ this little thing comes up saying that it's not working. I haven't been on in forever. I have nothing to say. Yeah. (Comment on this)
Friday, July 20th, 2001
1:48 pm	*sigh of relief* let me just say one thing-I feel SO loved!!!! Thanks guys for sticking up like that. Notice how the anonomous dirt-ball hasn't even commented back? that's because you guys are superheros and scared the villain away. (Or something.) Although I don't care about his/her opinion, I feel SOOOOOOOOOO much better knowing that I have friends that care about me. I have a permanent smile on my face right now and I feel so much better. Thanks again. Other than that, I, um, had SOOOOO MUCH FUN at the VOD concert. I've learned from this experience that my favorite kind of concerts are when Damon's there. I don't quite think that it was "too hardcore" for me. It was soothing to me in a way. Fuck, I had an awesome time. I wonder how Adam and Matt recovered. They're so hardcore, you know. KIDDING!!! They also made it fun to go with. I'm happy because I've made it to 2 months with Damon. I really am. Corny, but true. HAHAHA :) I shall see him tonight and have fun. I took sleeping pills so I could sleep all day. Only so time will go by faster. Yippee. good-bye -curtain- (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 17th, 2001
7:07 pm	I have a lot on my mind... First off, let me say sorry to all who I may have conversated with today. I'm very upset about something and I was being RUDE to certain people. (I miss Stephanie. I love you,girl. I miss you so much. you better come up so I can see you once more!!) Second, I'm feeling as though certain people are getting sick of seeing me. I try to talk to them and they just kind of avoid me. I don't know, perhaps I'm paranoid. (I highly doubt it though.) I must admit that I'm depressed today. Too many thoughts in my low capacity brain. I stayed up very late last night writing poems. I would like to share them with someone. (*ahem* damon) anyway, speaking of him, I feel bad because I wasn't very nice to him on the phone today. I don't care what he says, but there was no denying it. I guess I was just looking forward to seeing him...things happen though sometimes. I don't know. tomorrow he's welcome to come over at anytime. I want him to come to my house. I feel wierd never bringing him there. I'm always at his place when I see him. Or Aldo's. Wierd. I feel like punching the living hell out of someone right now. Anyone willing to listen to me complain about life AGAIN? If so, I need to talk. Here's my number: 1-800-fuck-you. geez, aren't I a tad bitchy today? Well, I guess so! cool...yeah, the fuck, right. Alright, I'm going to tell you some good news. There's a store at the mall that's selling MY black hightop converse all-stars and they're $32. My brother would've gotten them but he didn't know what size I take. well, a 7 1/2 for those who care...werd...and I'm going to work my ass off to get the money to buy them. I'm creaming just thinking of them, God, I will die if I never buy a pair of them.ooooooooh... I really want a hug right now. It's not going to happen though. My mom thinks I'm so depressed that I need to get help. BUT I REFUSE TO. She's like "you never eat, you always are writing, you never smile, and there's like 2 people who can make you happy, and they're not around enough to make you an easy person to live with!" She's all concerned, but I honestly don't think she should be. I write because it's a way of self-healing for me. And I am happy around more than 2 people even if I don't show it. God, people need to just leave me the fuck alone. And when it comes to eating? Why is everyone so concerned that I'm going to die if I don't eat? I used to for real not eat and it showed, but unless I turn pale and gray and I don't have enough energy to breath, believe me, my eating is good as it is.so there. You know why I'm all against getting "help"? Because once upon a time, I had serious issues with my mom, and so I did horrible things to myself and I treated everyone i cared about like worthless piles of dog crap. And I admit I felt that help may be the answer. But all it did was make older problems surface, then I had to get into detail with a person I didn't know or trust about my life, why it sucks, and all my presonal hell. I don't like to talk about my most personal problems with ANYONE. Nobody KNOWS anything about the worst time of my life. And noone ever will, except for the few *lucky* people who were involved. I live for the purpose of living and I enjoy trying to make other people happy. In a way it's relieving to me because I remember what it 's like to have no reason to smile. It sucked. A big one. Now I am a stable (?) person because I have Damon, and a few people I can talk to if necessary, and I love that. I know all I ever write about on live journal is my problems, but it's my journal. don't read it if it's "boring" or "pathetic" or "whiny". Read it if you wish, but I have to write about things, and this is a good way to explain myself. so, with that blabber I'm going to go and hopefully find someone to play with . Ihate lonely days. It kills me. Literally. Good night. (9 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, July 7th, 2001
3:27 pm	oh, now I remeber... okay doesn't the word "coworker" look like cow-orker. try saying that... " cow orker" weird. now, add a letter, and you get Bohdan. Cow + p + orker= cow porker. That is Bohdan. (3 Comments |Comment on this)